


Clues

by Gadhar



Series: Desiderata [1]
Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2480603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gadhar/pseuds/Gadhar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> "No, fuck me, but no. I don't regret it. Do you?"</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clues

**Author's Note:**

> Started this a while back but lost the muse. Then I read some of [Fireball,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2422469) by [wanderingsmith,](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/pseuds/wanderingsmith) and got inspired. So, yay.
> 
> Also, post 3rd movie.

Barney has his key half way into the lock when he stops and pulls it out. It's his key but it's Lee's house. He has to wonder if he's even welcome anymore, despite the fact that Lee called him. 

Lee called him but it didn't really seem like much of an invitation for a social visit. 

Instead Barney pockets the key, keeping it in a loose fist as he knocks on the door lightly. 

It takes a few moments but Lee answers. There's an awkward moment where they stare at each other- Barney trying not to fall apart and Lee looking a touch angry.

It's not like he thought it would all be fixed or anything, but he didn't think Lee would still be angry. 

Lee jerks his head and turns away, padding deeper into the house. Barney considers hopping on his bike and leaving but eventually follows Lee in.

He can't help looking around. It's amazing how pristine the place looks. Lee isn't a slob by any means but Barney's known him to leave a beer can or two around. He's even seen discarded clothes lying about. 

There was certainly never anything particularly orderly about Lee's place before.

But now, that's all there seems to be. The rug is perfectly straight and in-line with the coffee table. All the furniture is turned to face a wall, nothing is at an angle, and everything and anything is in a line. 

There's a line of shoes and boots, all organized by some method. A line of DVDs and weird little asian style pots. 

There's also a clear path across the top of the mantle that used to hold a line of photos. The only line of anything Lee ever had. Used to have. 

Now there's lines everywhere but where it counts.

"You tidied up a bit," Barney says as he shrugs his way into the kitchen. 

Lee has his head stuck in the fridge, and Barney takes the time away from Lee's piercing gaze to take in the sight of the other man.

He had looked fine on the mission. 

Now though, Barney can see the slight thinness of Lee's body, the paleness of his skin.

When Lee turns around and passes over a beer, there's a weariness to his eyes that isn't physical and a bitterness to his voice when he says, "Yeah. I had a lot of free time."

Barney feels his lip curl before he forces it back inline with the rest of his mouth. He's trying to be neutral, nonjudgmental. "Still drinking the same shit beer though, I see."

Lee shrugs, stares at the unopened beer in Barney's hand. "Yeah well, we have a good relationship. Me and that shit beer."

"You change anything else? While I was..." _Galavanting around with Bonaparte? Going after Stonebanks_? "When I was..." _Away. Gone. When I just kicked you out without any warning_?

"Not a whole lot," Lee says and he takes a long sip of his beer, blowing over the rim of it afterwards. "But then, a lot of shit happens suddenly. I might not have noticed."

Barney slams his beer on the counter, turning away from Lee and pacing his way down the length of the kitchen before coming back, wringing his hands together. "Look, Lee, I'm sorry. Okay? I thought we were good."

 _"So did I,"_ Lee spits back and he drains his beer before going to grab the one Barney left on the counter.

"What do you want Lee? Why call me here if you're just gonna brood and mope. Tell me what the fuck is the matter? Tell me how to fix this!"

Lee stares at him. It's the first time Lee has so much as even laid eyes on him since he came in. Before it was over the shoulder or down at his hands. "What do I want? What's the matter?" 

Lee's voice is dangerously quiet as he steps up towards Barney. _"Since when the fuck do you care what I **want?** You_ called it quits on the guys. On me. _You_ ran off after Stonebanks. _You_ are the one who gave some bullshit excuse and ran the fuck away. You know what that tells me, Ross? Huh, Barney? That tells me you don't give a fuck what I or anyone else wants. It's about you and what you gotta do!"

Lee takes a breath and steps back, cracking open the beer and drowning half of it in one go. 

"You don't get to _choose_ for us. _For me_. You don't get to ask me to move in, and then kick me out. I'm not some damn toy, I'm not a fucking yo-yo that you can expect to just come back to you when you pull a string."

"I'm sorry. I am. I thought- I thought it was the right thing to-"

"Don't give me that bullshit! How is anything you did, the right thing? Huh? _You_ brought us together. _You_ made us a team. A family. You don't give that to a bunch of guys who have nothing and just rip it away!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, is this about you or the guys? Are you seriously getting in my face on _their_ behalf?" Barney already knows he shouldn't have said that. Knows before it leaves his mouth because right now, all he can see are all the talks, the conversations he's had with Lee about everything. And he knows what he's implying and he knows he's stabbing Lee where it hurts.  
Hitting the weak spots.

And if the knowledge itself isn't enough, there's always the tell-tale way Lee's mouth audibly closes with a snap of his jaw.

Lee turns and walks away.

Barney takes a moment and breathes, trying to calm down. This is his fault, Lee's only stating facts. But Barney knows there's some underlying motive he's not getting. And whatever it is, it's huge. 

Barney walks to the living room and tries to ignore the distinct military feel he's getting off of Lee's new decorating. 

It's not that it's uncomfortable so much as it is worrying. Their both military guys, they've been through hell, and Barney's been through enough of his own breaks to know that both he and Lee start slipping into old habits when things get rough.

So what is it Lee's losing control of?

Lee's sitting on his couch, leaned back and legs wide. Barney supposes that's good, open posture, not defensive.

But then, it could be offensive.

Lee's also staring at the TV, intently, like he's watching something other than a blank cracked screen with a knife sticking out of it.

"Good show?" Barney asks and he yanks the knife out without a second thought, twirling it between his fingers.

He was never a knife man. He likes them and they're useful but he never goes too deep into that world of finesse because his way of killing isn't pretty enough for it. As strange as it sounds.

"Fucking fantastic. Get off my knife."

Barney shrugs, drops onto the sofa, back against the arm as he faces Lee. One leg curled on the cushions the other one hitting the floor. "I think I'll keep it."

This time he's intent on instigating. But, as though to keep with the necessities of his character, Lee doesn't take the bait. Instead snorting and muttering "whatever".

"Look, Lee. I get what I did wrong. I fucked up. We both know that. But there's something else going on here. You called me over for a reason. What is it? I'm not some mind-reader Lee. I don't know what you want from me."

"I don't want anything from you."

"Now who's talking bullshit. Come on Lee, you called me here for a reason."

"If I have to _tell you_ , then maybe you shouldn't have come," Lee says, his voice rising with every word. "Maybe you shouldn't even be here. _Maybe_ we shouldn't have fucking started this thing!"

"What thing?" Barney asks, catching Lee's wrist as he stands again. Barney isn't going to let him keep running.

"This! You and me! Us! _This thing."_ Lee wrenches his arm out of Barney's grasp, gestures between the two of them. 

"Lee, I don't- don't tell me you're regretting it. _Now._ After everything?"

Lee visibly deflates. He lets out a shaky breath and fixes Barney with a look that is still- still- there's no emotions that Barney can identify, there's nothing. It's just... _raw._

"No..." Lee whispers. "No, fuck me, but no. I don't regret it. Do you?"

"No! Of course not, Lee. And I'm not gonna start. But I don't know what you want. You have to tell me. I'm a stereotypical male and I need clues the size of fucking Russia. Seriously Lee, I can't-"

"I don't want anything from you," Lee says again.

Barney can feel the anger flaring again. The frustration. Lee can keep saying that all he wants but that doesn't make it _true._ There's something, Barney knows it. "Lee-"

"Let me finish. I don't want anything from you. I want _everything."_ Lee pauses, takes a breath, and just fixes Barney with that look. That _raw_ look that makes something inside of Barney wither and die a violent death. "I want _everything._ Not everyone has a lot to give. I get that. I sure as hell don't. Lacy had plenty but didn't give it, she didn't think it was worth it. I thought _we_ were worth it. I thought you believed _I_ was _worth_ it. I get you probably don't have much to give either Barney, but...maybe I'm not worth it, maybe I'm not worth your everything. And maybe it's selfish for me to ask for it. But you made me _believe_ I was. And then you just- you just _leave_. You just take it all away, willing to die. And then you almost do. 

"Do you even _understand_ what I felt- knowing you were going to die? That you were going with a bunch of fuckers you don't even know to do it. And then, to see- to _not_ see you get clear of that building. To think- to feel my own heart stop. Maybe you know what that feels like. But do you _understand_ what it means? How _I_ felt it?"

In the silence Barney can feel it all, all the emotions just drop on him like 2 ton bricks. He gets it. He does, he fucking gets it and how was he so _stupid_ not to get it before? "You don't trust me anymore, do you?"

"With the team, yes. On missions, yes."

"But with you? Do you trust me, Lee, _with you?"_

And there's visible hesitation, in a cringe, in the sigh, in the way Lee's face gets lined with pain. "No." 

Lee goes boneless, his whole body losing any rigidity and strength with a shudder, and he sits down before he falls over, unable to stand. "No, you left me. And I can't...no."

"How do I fix that Lee? How do I earn it back?"

"I don't know."


End file.
